Are you feeling it too? Like your world is being shaken, and you cannot pinpoint exactly what it is that makes you feel … unsteady? I know I feel that way. And I guess it is no surprise, given both the COVID-19 situation worldwide and all of the astrological activity that is going on at the same time, as I am writing this. As above, so below. A restless universe intensifies feelings of restlessness in people. Many people feel helpless, angry or even aggressive at times. Or, they choose to dissociate from their feelings. Too bad I am no exception to this, I found.

I have been with my spiritual practices for most of my life. I have been born wondering about life, about who and what we are, why we are here and what the meaning of ‘time’ and things like karma is. So, in difficult situations, I always know I have my spiritual practices to rely on. Sometimes they work, in the sense that they give me immediate solace. Other times I am not feeling connected at all, even after spending conscious time focussing on my being.

What I realized the other day, was that I am sometimes using my practice as a control mechanism, to influence myself. So that after I am done (meditating, visualizing, evoking elevated emotions, journaling….) I can continue with my life the way I want to. Without being bothered by feelings I do not like so much, like uncertainty, fear or frustration. It is like, I am forcing energy to change to make something happen – so I can keep going and doing things my way.

Do you recognize this? During these practice times I am not really surrendering to my practice, being or any help or guidance in that moment. I am pushing what I believe should happen through to an extent I can feel that I have ‘done something’. In other words, I concentrate on my energy to flow, to ground and to heal to ‘get something done’. To help me improve the way I feel. And in this way, what happens is not really about surrendering to the eternal NOW… It is about my head trying to manage and control a feeling-situation. Why am I always expecting to get an immediate result of my practice?

During this specific practice moment, I decided to let my experience go. No discipline, no ‘shoulds’, no time frame and no rules. Can you guess what happened?

Yes, you are right. Absolutely nothing happened. Except I was sitting there, with all of my being, all of my hopes, dreams, frustrations, thoughts and fears. It was like I was observing a internal mountain of stuff. A house that had not been cleaned up for decades. And the realization made me smile. ‘Can you feel that you are Super Loved, even through all of this?’, my mind wondered. It was my heart that answered. It gave me a quote from A Course In Miracles I had just studied. It said:

‘Holiness created me holy.
Kindness created me kind.
Helpfulness created me helpful.
Perfection created me perfect.’